Ah biko you won suffer me today. Okay. Sit down.
See ehn… I remember the first time I even hear of Jack Stack. Na my cousin wey travel come back from America. She come my shop for Lagos. She say “Sis, you need to learn how make this coleslaw wey they sell for Kansas City.” I say Kansas where? She laugh me.
Anyway.
The thing wey dey pain me about this recipe? Na the cabbage drying. I no fit shout am enough. You know how many times I don rush? I go buy cabbage, I go shred am, I go say “chai, I no get time for that twenty minutes nonsense.” I go just mix everything. Then I go carry am go party. The person wey hire me go open the bowl and see water. She no talk. But the face she make? E tell me say “you no be serious caterer.” Since that day, I don change.
So now.
You buy cabbage. Whole head. Green. If you see red, na different thing entirely. Red cabbage dey bitter small. Some people like am. For this recipe, stick to green.
When you reach home, wash the cabbage. Remove the outer leaves if dem dirty. Then cut am. But before you cut, make sure your knife sharp. I dull one knife before because of cabbage. My husband vex. He say “you dey cut cabbage or you dey fight war?”
Cut from top to bottom. Two halves. Now each half get that white core for the middle-bottom. You see am? Na am dey make your mouth bitter. Cut am out. Throw away.
Now shred. Use food processor if you get. If you no get, use knife. But if you use knife, take your time. No dey rush because you go cut yourself. I don cut myself twice. First time, blood enter the cabbage. I still use am because I no get another one. That day na my friend wedding. The bride ask “why the coleslaw get red color?” I lie say na special spice from India. She believe. But me I know.
Anyway.
After shredding, put the cabbage for colander. Big colander. Add salt. Half teaspoon. Use hand mix. Then leave am for sink. Set timer for twenty minutes. If you no set timer, you go forget. I don forget before. I leave am for one hour. The cabbage come shrink like old man.
During that twenty minutes, you can prepare the other things. But me I like to just stand and watch my phone. Or drink water. Or think about my life.
When timer finish, look under colander. See that water? That water na your enemy. Rinse the cabbage with cold water. Then dry am.
How you dry? Use kitchen towel. Clean one o. No use the one wey you use wipe table. I see a caterer do that before. Her coleslaw get small soap taste. The people no complain but me I notice.
Pour the cabbage on towel. Wrap am. Then squeeze. Squeeze like you dey wring wet clothes. Water go pour. Open. If e still wet, use another towel. Squeeze again. When you think say e dry enough, squeeze one more time. Because any water wey remain go spoil everything.
I no joke with this drying. I don cry over watery slaw before. Na for my sister-in-law naming ceremony. She no talk to me for two weeks.
Now dressing.
Get bowl. Add Miracle Whip. Three-quarter cup. If you no like Miracle Whip because e too sweet, you can use half Miracle Whip and half normal mayonnaise. But you must use some Miracle Whip. If you use only mayonnaise, the slaw go taste heavy. Like e dey sleep for your mouth.
Add apple cider vinegar. Two tablespoons. Not white vinegar. White vinegar na for cleaning. I use am once and my slaw come taste like battery. My customer wey be white man, he say “this is… interesting.” That’s how you know e don bad.
Add sugar. Half cup. I know. But this na American recipe. Dem like sugar. You can reduce to one-third cup if you want. But the original get half cup.
Add celery seeds. One teaspoon. If you no get celery seeds, you can use small pinch of celery salt but reduce the regular salt. But better to get celery seeds. Go to any spice market. Tell dem “celery seeds.” Dem go bring small pack. No cost much.
Whisk everything. The sugar no go dissolve completely. That’s fine.
Now chop onion and carrot.
Onion. Half of a small onion. Chop am tiny. Like so small that if you close your eyes, you no go know say onion dey inside. Because raw onion strong. Some people like the crunch. But for this slaw, you want the flavor without the bite.
Carrot. One medium. Grate am with the small side of grater. Then squeeze am with paper towel. Carrot get water too. Any water na enemy, remember?
Now put your dry cabbage for big bowl. Add onion and carrot. Use your hand mix. I like using hand because I can feel if the cabbage still wet or not.
Add half of dressing. Mix. Look at am. If e look too dry, add more dressing. If e look like soup, stop. You don add too much. The right texture be say when you scoop some slaw, no dressing dey drip from the bottom.
Cover. Put for fridge. Two hours. No cheat.
After one hour, open fridge. Stir. Close.
When you ready to serve, bring am out. Leave for fifteen minutes. Taste.
If e too sweet, add small vinegar. If e too sour, add small sugar. If e too watery, abeg no call me. I don tell you to dry the cabbage well. That one na your fault.
Leftover? Four days for fridge. Freezer? No. I try am. The cabbage come turn to something wey resemble baby vomit. I no fit lie.
One more thing – this slaw dey taste better on day two. The flavors don marry. So if you dey cook for party tomorrow, make am today.
Walahi, I don tire for this recipe talk. You just go try am. If you spoil am, try again. Cooking na like that. Nobody perfect. The first time I make this slaw wey come out correct, I almost cry. True true. I call my mama. She say “you dey cry for coleslaw?” I say “Mama, you no understand.”
Now go. Before your cabbage spoil for counter.
