HOT CHOPPED PEPPER THING.
Here’s the truth. I was buying those little jars from the shop. You know, the 16oz ones. Six dollars. Sometimes seven. And I’d finish it in three days. On everything. Eggs. Burgers. Straight out the jar with a spoon at 2am. Don’t judge me.
Then I said nah. I’m a caterer. I should be able to make this.
So I did.
The peppers.
Cherry peppers. Not anything else. You go to the store, you look for the jar that says “hot cherry peppers.” Usually by the olives and pickled stuff. They’re red. Round. Small. Like a cherry but it’s a pepper.
Don’t grab banana peppers. Don’t grab pepperoncini. Those are different. Different taste. You’ll be mad at yourself.
Open the jar. Dump it in a strainer. Let that liquid go. But wait – save a little. Like two spoonfuls. Put it in a cup. You might need it later if your relish tastes too thick or too dull.
Now you got peppers in the strainer. Rinse them? No. Don’t rinse. You lose flavor.
Take each pepper. Pull off the stem part. Cut it in half. Inside there’s seeds and white stuff. That white stuff is where the heat lives. So if you want it like the sub shop – medium warm, not killing you – take out most of the seeds. Leave a few. I leave maybe one out of every ten seeds. That’s my rule.
If you want mild, take out almost all. If you want fire, leave everything.
First time I made this, I left all the seeds. My friend took one bite and said “biko, my nose is running.” So yeah. Learn from me.
The other stuff.
One red bell pepper. Big one. Cut off the top and bottom. Pull out the white ribs inside. Chop it into chunks. Don’t be precise. It’s going in the food processor.
One yellow onion. Not sweet onion. Not red onion. Yellow. Peel it. Cut into quarters.
Garlic. Four cloves. Fresh. Not that jarred chopped garlic in water. That stuff tastes like sadness. Fresh garlic, you smash it with the side of your knife, peel comes right off. Then drop the cloves in whole.
Blending.
Get your food processor. Put the cherry peppers in first. Then the red bell pepper chunks. Then the onion quarters. Then the garlic cloves.
Now add chili garlic sauce. Two tablespoons. The one with the rooster. You know the one.
Put the lid on.
Here’s where people screw up. They hold the button down and walk away. Then they come back to pepper soup.
No. Pulse. Tap the button. Let go. Tap. Let go. Do that maybe six times. Then hold it for eight seconds. Count in your head. One Mississippi, two Mississippi – stop.
Open the lid. Look. You should see little tiny pieces. Like chopped up pickles. Not smooth. Not paste. If it’s still chunky, pulse two more times. If it’s already turning into mush, you went too far. Next time do less.
I can’t tell you exactly how many pulses. Every food processor is different. You gotta look with your eyes.
Cooking.
Scrape everything from the processor into a pan. A normal saucepan. Not nonstick? Doesn’t matter. I use stainless.
Turn the heat to medium. Not high. Medium.
Add two tablespoons of white sugar. Regular sugar. Not brown.
Add three tablespoons of white wine vinegar. Not the expensive one. Just the cheap cooking kind. Don’t use apple cider vinegar – it changes the taste. Don’t use balsamic – that’s for salads. White wine vinegar.
Stir with a wooden spoon. Keep stirring. Don’t walk away to check your phone. It only takes like three or four minutes.
You’ll see it start bubbling. The liquid will get a little thicker. Not like gravy thick. Just… wet but not watery. You know when you push the spoon across the bottom, the relish kind of slowly moves back? That’s the moment.
Turn off the heat.
Taste it. Right now. Put a little on the back of a spoon and blow on it so you don’t burn your mouth.
What do you taste? Too sharp? Add a pinch more sugar. Too sweet? A few drops more vinegar. Not enough salt? The chili garlic sauce already has salt, but if it tastes flat, add a tiny pinch of regular salt. Like a pinch between your fingers.
That’s it. Don’t add oregano. Don’t add olive oil. Don’t add honey. I swear to you, the moment you add extra stuff, it stops tasting like Jersey Mike’s and starts tasting like some random thing you made up. Keep it simple.
Cooling and waiting.
Let the pan sit on the counter for ten minutes. Don’t cover it. Just let it breathe.
Then spoon it into a jar. I use old pasta sauce jars. Wash them first, obviously.
Here’s a trick most people don’t know. Don’t put the lid on while it’s hot. If you do, steam rises, hits the cold lid, turns into water drops, and those drops fall onto your relish. Then the top layer gets watery. So leave the lid off until the jar feels room temperature. Then screw the lid on.
Now put it in the fridge.
And here’s the hard part. Don’t eat it today. Leave it overnight. I know, I know, you want to taste it. But something happens when it sits. The garlic calms down. The vinegar stops being so loud. The heat spreads everywhere evenly. It’s like the ingredients go to sleep and wake up friends.
Next day? That’s the real deal.
What goes wrong.
If your relish is watery – like you see liquid pooling at the bottom of the jar – you either didn’t drain the jarred peppers enough, or you didn’t cook it long enough. Fix: pour it back in the pan, turn the heat to medium-high, cook for two more minutes while stirring. Watch it so it doesn’t burn.
If it’s too spicy – you left too many seeds. Fix: chop half a red bell pepper into tiny pieces and mix it in raw. Or when you serve it, mix a spoonful of cream cheese into the relish. That kills the heat without killing the flavor.
If you burned it – you’ll know. Smells bitter, like something died. Toss it. Start over. It happens. I burned my first batch because I walked away to answer the phone. Now I don’t answer the phone when I’m cooking.
If you don’t have chili garlic sauce – use sriracha plus a little extra fresh garlic. One tablespoon sriracha, one teaspoon minced garlic. It’s not the same but close enough.
If you don’t have a food processor – chop everything by hand. It takes longer. Your knife skills get tested. But it works. Just dice everything as small as you can. Then cook it the same way. The texture will be chunkier. Some people actually like it better that way.
How long it lasts.
In the fridge, two to three weeks. Sealed jar.
If you see mold? Throw it. If it smells sour in a bad way – not the good vinegar sour, but like feet or garbage – throw it. If the color turns from bright red to dull brown – throw it.
You can freeze it. I’ve done it. Put it in small containers. Freeze for up to three months. Thaw overnight in the fridge. The texture is fine. Not perfect, but fine.
What to put it on.
Obviously subs. But also burgers. Hot dogs. Grilled chicken. Scrambled eggs stir it in right at the end. Mix with cream cheese and eat with crackers. Stir into pasta salad with olive oil and parmesan. Put it on tacos. Put it on pizza.
I once put it on a plain bagel with cream cheese. Don’t tell anyone. But it was good.
Last thing.
Don’t overcomplicate this. It’s peppers, onion, garlic, sauce, sugar, vinegar. That’s six things. You don’t need to add your own twist. The twist is that you made it at home for half the price and it tastes exactly the same.
Make it once. Keep a jar in your fridge. And next time you make a sandwich, you’ll wonder why you ever bought the store version.
– Spoonchuk
spoonchukskitchen.com
